The Wooder Cooler Presents: The First Annual Golden Gabbys!
Awards have been handed out everywhere you look over the last few weeks in the world of entertainment. The Pro Bowl, The Grammys, The Olympics, The Oscars, The Dundees, and more. And given that we’re a pillar of the community it’s time for The Wooder Cooler to enter into the fray with our first annual presentation of The Gabbys! The Gabbys are intended to represent the most talked about stories from the past year in Philly sports and are made out of solid gold stolen from Fort Knox. It’s a truly special award for an extraordinary set of categories!
And now, what you haven’t been waiting for because you didn’t previously know it existed!
I have an oddly natural penchant for identifying look-a-likes. In some cases a good friend looks like Flick duck from PB&J Otter, in others, it’s a connection in which people know what the hell I’m talking about. As a result, this Gabby is for the Philly athlete who is the best doppleganger for another celebrity. The winner of The Ditto is……
JOHN LANNAN! For his representation of a fatter Nicholas Cage!
The Pedophile Award
In the world of sports, we more and more frequently have been treated to instances in which people with lots of responsibility say very, very dumb things. To properly honor such stupidity this Gabby, not to be confused with Sandusky-like deeds, is given to the individual whose obsession with feet is so strong that their is constantly one in their mouth! The winner of the Pediphile Award is……
Aron, who was the CEO of the Sixers last season, took to Twitter many times during the season to show signs of positivity about the direction of the franchise and the health of Andrew Bynum. Consequently, everyone hated Adam Aron, who seemingly tweeted his way out of a job. Congratulations, Adam!
The Indian Tweeter
Twitter is a funny place. While it gives athletes an ability to access their fans all of the time, it also leads to them saying THE DUMBEST POSSIBLE THINGS EVER and damaging their PR on a national scale. The athletes delete those tweets, claim that their account was hacked, and everyone laughs at them for being stupid. Therefore, this Gabby is for the athlete who provided the best instance of such an event in the Twittosphere this past year. The winner of the Indian Tweeter is……
LeSean “Shady” McCoy!
McCoy has earned the award for what was a twitter battle of the ages against his baby mama. Some of the highlights from this epic duel are:
Shady: “I never look or speak to u .. Once u lied bout birth control ya life was created … B 4 that u was a nobody dirty alley grl”
From the baby mama: “@CutonDime25 Small dick herpes having nigga ! and i heard you went to the dick doctor to get a bigger dick Sydney told Nye …smh”
And of course, from Shady: “Hacked”
If you would like to relive this award winning magic, you can view it here!
The Jack Dawson
Named after Leonardo DiCaprio”s famous role in Titanic that resulted in far too much Celine Dion being played on the radio, this Gabby honors the Philadelphia athlete who began last year as King of the World and is abruptly dead. This year’s winner of the Jack Dawson award is……
Bynum, who was an unmitigated disaster during his time in Philadelphia (see: The Pediphile Award), is seen as literally being on his last legs in the NBA after being considered arguably the best center in the league 12 months ago. What put Bynum over the top as this year’s winner has to do with Bynum’s antics in Cleveland, which he recently admitted to.
The Golden Gabby
Philadelphia is a tough sports town and, given that toughness, can be a harsh environment if you’re not on top of your game. However, if you put in the effort to succeed this town will love you to death. In honor of this relationship, this Gabby is given to the person who is currently the Colossus of Clout in Philadelphia! The winner of the first annual Golden Gabby is…….
Just kidding! It’s CHIP KELLY!
Considered to be a very risky choice by the front office, Chip Kelly has shattered expectations of what offensive football should be and may very well be Neo. His lively press conferences, his innovative style, and the rapid turnaround of the franchise have him as the king of the Philadelphia. May his reign never end!
Congratulations, Chip! We know this is the biggest achievement of your young career!
Posted on March 7, 2014, in 76ers, Eagles, Flyers, Phillies, Posts, Vince Quinn and tagged adam aron, andrew bynum, Chip Kelly, golden gabby, jerry jones, John Lannan, nicholas cage, the gabbys. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.