The Boondoggle: Former Mascot Hip Hop Arrested for Cocaine Possession
It looks like one bunny isn’t having a happy Easter.
Reports are emerging out of Philadelphia that Hip-Hop, the former mascot of the 76ers, was arrested around 3 am this morning at Xfinity Live! for possession of cocaine and assault. Police allegedly found him on the scene kicking a man and screaming “Are my feet lucky now?”
This is another incident in what has become a steep decline to the bottom for the former high-flyer. Hip Hop was unceremoniously put out to pasture in 2011 when the Sixers’ new ownership group took over. At the time, CEO Adam Aron said “It was clear there was no fan support for the Hip-Hop mascot […] it was an easy decision.”
Sources close to Hip Hop claimed that he became “inconsolably depressed” after the announcement and started consuming unhealthy amounts of carrot juice. He also packed on nearly 150 pounds—a difficult feat for a vegetarian . Sadly, it’s all just the tip of the iceberg (lettuce).
In the spring of 2012, the Sixers were close to finalizing a deal with mascot Phil E. Moose (pictured here). However, that deal never came to fruition as he inexplicably disappeared. Hip Hop was considered to be a person of interest, but formal charges were never made.
The embattled mascot has also been regularly in and out of court for unpaid child support to the 23 mothers of his 117 children. When asked for comment on the matter three weeks ago, Hip Hop told The Wooder Cooler, “Like all respectable Americans, I’ll settle it on Maury.”
It sounds like a slam dunk to us. We wish him the best.
This story is obviously purely fictional. In case of whole-hearted belief, please stop using drugs.
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