The Boondoggle: Manti Te’o is a Woman
Despite all of the rumors that have been coming form news outlets around the country, it appears that the Manti Te’o hoax has gotten all metta on your ass.
A source with painfully intimate knowledge of the situation has informed The Wooder Cooler that Lennay Kekua is not imaginary, but is a real person…named Manti Te’o.
That’s right, folks. Manti Te’o is attempting to hide his missing South Bend from the world by killing off his true identity of Lennay Kekua.
Our source claims that there are two motivations that “Te’o” had for such an epically proportioned scheme:
1. Te’o’s draft stock would likely plummet if she were discovered to be a woman (despite how bad-ass Ice box is in The Little Giants)
2. Te’o had watched “way way waaaaay too much Game of Thrones” prior to the start of the season.
When asked for comment, Notre Dame’s athletic director Jack Swarbrick said “Well I have a great relationship with Manti, and despite all of these allegations I can say with a 100 percent certainty that she…shit!” and then hung up the phone.
Now that Te’o’s true identity has been revealed, teammates have begun finding answers to previously confusing questions.
For example, starting quarterback Everett Golson told TWC that late in the season, Te’o seemed disappointed when the Irish were headed to the BCS Championship Game. “I’d rather play in the Rose Bowl” muttered a despondent Te’o.
While this story may seem bizarre and damaging for Te’o’s career, there is some good news coming her way. This morning the NCAA officially named Notre’s Dame as the Heiswoman trophy winner for the 2012 season.
In conclusion, it appears that Te’o will likely still play in the NFL. However, we think she should try her hand at drag racing.
DISCLAIMER: This is not a true story in any possible way. However, if you wish hard enough, it may come true some day. Also, please do not sue us.