The Boondoggle: Andy Reid traded to San Diego for GM A.J. Smith

"I can end you, son."

“I can end you, son.”

Contrary to reports that both had been fired, Andy Reid’s remaining contract has been traded to the San Diego Chargers for the rights to general manager A.J. Smith.

“I myself believe, as many of you believe, that this team needs a culture change,” team owner Jeffrey Lurie announced to the media on Monday. “I’ve studied the past couple seasons, and it’s obvious we’ve regressed significantly since the departure of Joe Banner. Howie Roseman is our most skillful talent evaluator, but frankly he just isn’t enough of a dick.”

Lurie explained that Roseman and Smith will share duties as general manager. The cerebral Roseman will be left in charge of drafting and scouting, while Smith will take on the duties of interfacing with players and agents.

“If you look the successful franchises in the league, a lot of them have an elite asshole in the front office,” Lurie expounded. “Parcells, Belichick, Coughlin, all of them are good football minds but consummate SOBs. A.J. can be that guy for us.”

“I’ve told you before that our roster was the Gold Standard™. I still believe that, even after this season. The difference before was that Joe Banner kept everybody walking on eggshells all the time. A.J. has consistently exhibited that special aptitude for making exceptionally talented players feel like worthless, expendable turds, playing mind games with agents, and making sure that – for better or worse – he always gets his way.”

When challenged why he felt the dual-GM approach would work, Lurie adamantly defended the strategy. “We know now and have always known that we are the smartest franchise in the league, and being smarter than everybody else means that sometimes you’ll make decisions that will go against the ‘common sense’ of the fans and the media,” Lurie remarked while snidely using air quotes. “Nobody believed Copernicus when he said the Earth revolves around the Sun.”

A.J. Smith was made available to the media shortly after Lurie left the podium, but didn’t commit to any plans except his choice of head coach. “I think I’ll hire Norv Turner again,” Smith declared. “I’ve never had a more loyal coach, and we’ve been constantly in agreement since we started working together.” Upon hearing that news, Turner reportedly jumped around excitedly, rolled over twice, then sat on his haunches and begged for a treat.

Andy Reid was not at the press conference but he was seen leaving the NovaCare complex wearing a Hawaiian shirt. He declined to comment to the media, instead choosing to strike a dominant pose, bear his tusks, and emit a throaty growl before slipping into the icy Delaware for his long oceanic journey to San Diego.

I am the Walrus

EDITOR’S NOTE: All of the above was parody. Please don’t sue us for defamation. Pretty please?

Posted on December 31, 2012, in Eagles, Hank Mushinski, The Boondoggle and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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