Category Archives: The Boondoggle

Fake articles and jokes to waste your time

The Boondoggle: Chip Kelly Using Black Magic During OTA’s

image via newspells.com

image via newspells.com

The fans and media alike were thrilled for the beginning of the Eagles first stint of organized team activities (OTAs). It was the first time during his tenure that new head coach Chip Kelly allowed the media to view a practice.

It seems they got more insight than they bargained for.

“He looked into a crystal ball and said I have three weeks to live,” said a despondent Ray Didinger before skulking to his car “I need to think for a while.”

Reports indicate that Didinger was one of hundreds of media members that suffered through deeply scarring trauma at the hands of Chip Kelly, who allegedly turned a circus of fun into a horror show of black magic.

An unnamed source who attended the practice from hell claims that reporters were greeted with gift bags containing assorted bird feathers, herbs, and a human ear. Afterward, the media was ushered out to the practice field where 7th round pick David King lay tied upon an altar on the 50 yard line.

The source then goes on to say that Kelly “cackled uncontrollably” as he set the altar on fire and “prayed for the football gods to deliver victory to the chosen people while playing ‘Hero’ from NAS.”

At that point most media members left the facility screaming and defecating mid-run, while other simply stated, “Well, at least it’s not Andy Reid.”

Chip Kelly was asked about the ordeal after practice.

“You know, about this whole ‘sacrifice thing’, it was a complete mix up. I didn’t realize the last names were listed first on my sheet, so I thought David King was King David. Normally we sign undrafted free agents for that type of thing, but I thought the opportunity was too good to pass up. Remember it’s not just the players that are rookies here.”

The media will not be able to view practice again until next Monday…if they dare.

 

***This story was obviously fictional in ways that you make you palm yourself in the face and say “I can’t believe I didn’t realize that earlier!” (Feel free to palm yourself in the face at this juncture if need be.) It was all solely for entertainment and has no factual value. None.

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The Boondoggle: Former Mascot Hip Hop Arrested for Cocaine Possession

Photo via InFlexWeTrust.com

Photo via InFlexWeTrust.com

It looks like one bunny isn’t having a happy Easter.

Reports are emerging out of Philadelphia that Hip-Hop, the former mascot of the 76ers, was arrested around 3 am this morning at Xfinity Live! for possession of cocaine and assault. Police allegedly found him on the scene kicking a man and screaming “Are my feet lucky now?”

Apparently not.

This is another incident in what has become a steep decline to the bottom for the former high-flyer. Hip Hop was unceremoniously put out to pasture in 2011 when the Sixers’ new ownership group took over. At the time, CEO Adam Aron said “It was clear there was no fan support for the Hip-Hop mascot [...] it was an easy decision.”

Sources close to Hip Hop claimed that he became “inconsolably depressed” after the announcement and started consuming unhealthy amounts of carrot juice. He also packed on nearly 150 pounds—a difficult feat for a vegetarian . Sadly, it’s all just the tip of the iceberg (lettuce).

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The Boondoggle: Manti Te’o is a Woman

Manti Te'oDespite all of the rumors that have been coming form news outlets around the country, it appears that the Manti Te’o hoax has gotten all metta on your ass.

A source with painfully intimate knowledge of the situation has informed The Wooder Cooler that Lennay Kekua is not imaginary, but is a real person…named Manti Te’o.

That’s right, folks. Manti Te’o is attempting to hide his missing South Bend from the world by killing off his true identity of Lennay Kekua.

Our source claims that there are two motivations that “Te’o” had for such an epically proportioned scheme:

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The Boondoggle: Andy Reid traded to San Diego for GM A.J. Smith

"I can end you, son."

“I can end you, son.”

Contrary to reports that both had been fired, Andy Reid’s remaining contract has been traded to the San Diego Chargers for the rights to general manager A.J. Smith.

“I myself believe, as many of you believe, that this team needs a culture change,” team owner Jeffrey Lurie announced to the media on Monday. “I’ve studied the past couple seasons, and it’s obvious we’ve regressed significantly since the departure of Joe Banner. Howie Roseman is our most skillful talent evaluator, but frankly he just isn’t enough of a dick.”

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The Boondoggle: Mike Holmgren in Philly for Tonight’s Game

In a surprise move Mike Holmgren stepped down today from his role as decision maker for the Cleveland Browns. While Holmgren was expected to be let go at the end of the season, his early resignation seemed to be strange-or rather, suspicious. Making matters more clouded is the fact that Holmgren will be replaced by former Eagles president Joe Banner.

A report from an anonymous source within the Eagles organization has told us some utterly shocking news regarding tonight’s contest. It seems as though Philadelphia will experience the old bait and switch.

To put everything in context, we broke the news earlier in the season that Andy Reid has been anxious to move out of town. Now, Reid’s mentor-Mike Holmgren-has been informed by Joe Banner that the Eagles would like Holmgren to secretly coach as Andy Reid.

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The Boondoggle: Chad Johnson Changes Name to @Ochocinco

Life can be tough in the NFL, especially at the receiver position. Previously considered some of the best at their position, Terrell Owens, Plaxico Burress, and Chad Johnson have been unable to catch on with a club. The belief is that their “diva” reputations outweigh their on field production.

Chad Johnson does not believe that is the case. Instead, he believes that the problem is exposure. That’s why the Ocho Cinco News Network (OCNN) has reported that Johnson has filed papers to legally change his name to @Ochocinco, his Twitter handle.

“Nah, man. It has nothing to do with [being a diva] or the stuff with me and my girl. People are just so obsessed with ipads, iphones, and stuff that they’re too distracted. Well now I’m the distraction…in a good way.”

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Breaking News: Andrew Bynum Opted for Radical Procedure

He’s a machine…literally!

Since Andrew Bynum arrived in Philadelphia, people have been wondering what shape his knees are in. The 25 year-old has missed plenty of playing time during his young NBA career due to achey joints and received a special treatment in Germany in the offseason. The procedure was described as non-invasive (It’s hard to trust Germans using the term “non-invasive”), yet Bynum was unable to appear in the Sixers first regular season game. In fact he hasn’t even practiced since his surgery.

The issue really comes down to a matter of semantics. It turns out the procedure was technically non-invasive for Bynum’s knees because they removed both of his legs entirely. According to various sources, Bynum is now a gigantic torso with a mean ‘fro.

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Juan Castillo Claims Firing Part of “The Plan”

An evil genius at work

In what has become an Earth shattering piece of news for Eagles nation, Juan Castillo has revealed in a recent interview that his firing is part of possibly the biggest conspiracy in the history of football.

During a recent interview with ESPN Castillo told reporters that his firing was not only expected, but planned.

“I was getting nervous that I wasn’t going to be released as early as [Andy Reid and I] discussed. It was creating a lot of pressure on me,” said Castillo. “The plan is that Andy is hoping to be fired at the end of the year. He’d like to move out of Philadelphia. For him it’s been really exhausting to listen to people constantly screaming for Nick Foles with Michael [Vick] out there. Basically, he wants to get a fresh start.”

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