The Boondoggle: Chip Kelly Using Black Magic During OTA’s
The fans and media alike were thrilled for the beginning of the Eagles first stint of organized team activities (OTAs). It was the first time during his tenure that new head coach Chip Kelly allowed the media to view a practice.
It seems they got more insight than they bargained for.
“He looked into a crystal ball and said I have three weeks to live,” said a despondent Ray Didinger before skulking to his car “I need to think for a while.”
Reports indicate that Didinger was one of hundreds of media members that suffered through deeply scarring trauma at the hands of Chip Kelly, who allegedly turned a circus of fun into a horror show of black magic.
An unnamed source who attended the practice from hell claims that reporters were greeted with gift bags containing assorted bird feathers, herbs, and a human ear. Afterward, the media was ushered out to the practice field where 7th round pick David King lay tied upon an altar on the 50 yard line.
The source then goes on to say that Kelly “cackled uncontrollably” as he set the altar on fire and “prayed for the football gods to deliver victory to the chosen people while playing ‘Hero’ from NAS.”
At that point most media members left the facility screaming and defecating mid-run, while other simply stated, “Well, at least it’s not Andy Reid.”
Chip Kelly was asked about the ordeal after practice.
“You know, about this whole ‘sacrifice thing’, it was a complete mix up. I didn’t realize the last names were listed first on my sheet, so I thought David King was King David. Normally we sign undrafted free agents for that type of thing, but I thought the opportunity was too good to pass up. Remember it’s not just the players that are rookies here.”
The media will not be able to view practice again until next Monday…if they dare.
***This story was obviously fictional in ways that you make you palm yourself in the face and say “I can’t believe I didn’t realize that earlier!” (Feel free to palm yourself in the face at this juncture if need be.) It was all solely for entertainment and has no factual value. None.
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